things I will not do anymore
by Qweezle
Summary: A list of things I will not do in Edo or anywhere else, ever
1. Things I will not do in the shinsengumi

Things I will not do in the shinsengumi

1. When applying for a position, I will not put down Takasugi as my greatest inspiration

2. I will not follow Hijikata everywhere and pester him to let me join the shinsengumi

3. When he finally cracks I will not immediately join the Joui

4. I will not try to arrest people for being annoying

5. I will stop trying to arrest people that are also in the shinsengumi

6. I am not the supreme ruler of the shinsengumi and there really isn't any point trying to convince people otherwise

7. I will not replace Okita's poison collection with tea

8. I will not replace Hijikata's tea with poison

9. It was not an honest mistake

10.I will not take Kondo to the zoo and lock him in a cage

11. I will not dye everyone's uniforms pink and yellow, no matter how much better I think it would look

12. I will not question Hijikata's sexuality

13. I will not question anyone's sexuality

14. I will not tell Okita that in a past life he was Jesus

15. When Hijikata and Okita are on patrol I will not sell tickets to fan girls to go on a tour of their rooms

16. Sending Kondo bananas for Christmas is inappropriate

17. If the thought of a prank makes me laugh for more than 15 seconds I will assume that I am not allowed to do it

18. I may not have my own private army

19. Even if it is technically someone else's

20. I will not see what Okita's poisons do by spiking Yamazaki's drink with them

21. Especially not all at once

22. The shinsengumi barracks do not require a karaoke machine

correct way to report to Hijikata is "I believe you wanted to see me commander" not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence

24. I am not allowed out of my room when important guests are visiting

25. I will not give Okita weapons of mass destruction, no matter how nicely he asks me

26. I will not tell Hijikata that I miss Tosshi

27. I cannot see the grim reaper and I will not claim that he is standing behind Hijikata, tapping his foot and looking impatient

28. I will not tell Okita that Elizabeth is in love with him

29. I am no longer allowed near electric shavers...no matter how funny everyone looks without hair.

30. I am never allowed near dye again.

-Or paint.

-Or the laundry.

31. When someone accuses me of not wearing underwear, it is highly frowned upon to try and prove them wrong

32. Especially if I can't

33. If someone falls asleep I will not take advantage of the fact to draw on their face

34. Hijikata does not appreciate being called Snookums

35. I will not tell people that Hijikata swings for the other team

36. I will not tell Hijikata that he has developed an allergy to mayonnaise

37. Asking Kondo "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time

38. I will not tell Yamazaki that the god of stake-out has cursed him to forever eat anpan and milk

39. I will not point out that the shinsengumi is filled with people that will be forever alone

40. Nor will I point out that one of them is stalking a robot and the other is stalking a she-man

41. I will not try to convince Hijikata to do the moon-walk in the middle of the street

42. I will not call animal control and have Kondo shot

43. If I even look like I'm about to sing, "I Know a Song That gets on Everybody's Nerves" I will be killed.

-That goes double for "This is the Song That Never Ends."

-I am not allowed to sing, period.

44. I will not tell people that Okita uses a sleeping mask because he sleeps with his eyes open

45. Hijikata is the vice-commander of the shinsengumi and I cannot make him go to the naughty corner

46. I will not tell Hijikata that I will take him to mayonnaise land only to laugh in his face

47. I will not shave of Kondo's eyebrows while he is sleeping

48. Subsequently, I will not tape them back onto Okita as a moustache

49. I will not capture Zura only to let him go in front of Okita and Hijikata

50. 'His hair is defying gravity' is not a suitable excuse to arrest Bansai, though being a terrorist is.


	2. Things I will not do in the Harusame

**Things I will not do in the harusame**

I will not give Kamui weapons of mass destruction

-That's really just asking for the apocalypse

I will not call Abuto Kamui's mother, nanny or 'bro'

I will not ask Kamui if I can plait his hair

Hitting on Kamui is most likely fatal

'Just wing it' does not count as a plan

I will not take apart the harusame ship's engine room just to see what happens

I will not carry around an umbrella and claim to be a Yato

Even though Kamui is an admiral, it is not necessary to salute him whenever we speak

-It will only irritate him

I will not try and convince Kamui to dress up as Luffy for Halloween

-He won't

I will not press random buttons

-something might blow up

-things blowing up is not good on a ship

-even if the colours are pretty

I will not build a machine to clone Kamui

-Abuto says there is one too many as it is

If something makes me laugh for more than fifteen seconds, I will assume I am not allowed to do it

-even if Kamui did it first

-_especially_ if Kamui did it first

Only experienced space ship drivers can fly the space ship

-I am neither experienced nor a space ship driver

I will not try and convince someone to give me lessons

-Yatos do not make the best teachers

Abuto does not appreciate having his door kicked in at three in the morning and being asked if he wants to join in a game of hide and seek

-even if it was Kamui doing the kicking

Yatos are too competitive, I will not convince them to play any sort of game

The higher-ups don't like learning that half of their strongest division is incapacitated after a game of tag

-especially if I'm the one telling them

-apparently I'm too insensitive

Kamui does not need a hug

Nor does he want family counselling

I am not an amanto and I will not pretend to be the last of my kind when meeting new people

If Kamui dares me to press a button that I don't know the use for I will NOT do it

-"It was a dare" is not an acceptable excuse for blowing up a planet

-even if it was a planet that we didn't really need

I will not stalk people just to see how long it would take them to notice

At a harusame election I will not vote for Elmo

-I am the only person that finds it funny

I will not kick Abuto

-even if Kamui started it

What Kamui doesn't know won't hurt him

-Unless it will, in which case I should tell him, quickly

I will not throw sharp things at people and call it combat-training

-even if they're being annoying

-I especially won't laugh if it hits them

Kamuis' hair is not the centre of his power

–cutting it will not render him defenceless

It is frowned upon to sell top secret Harusame information to the Shinsengumi

–even more so to give it to them free of charge

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Sorry this took me so long to update, anyway, hope I made someone laugh


	3. Things I will not do in the Yorozuya

**Disclaimer: Gintama does not belong to me, no matter how many times I wish for it on my birthday.**

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**Things I will not do with the yorozuya**

I will not drink Gin's strawberry milk

I will not throw justaways at innocent passer-byes

In case of fire, Shinpachi is to be left behind

The Yorozuya does not have a naughty corner

–And I have to let Gin out of it

Telling Shinpachi that he is a loser otaku and will remain forever a virgin is mean and I will not do it again. I will just let everyone else do it for me

There is a drill to be followed whenever someone comes asking for the rent

–It is to be practised every Thursday

–Shinpachi is to be left behind

Shinpachi will not survive a fall off the top of the terminal

–neither will I

Gin does not want life insurance

For my own safety I will NEVER, EVER touch gin's strawberry milk ever again

–This also applies to Kagura's sukonbu

Shinpachi knows he's annoying and does not need to be told…again

Sadaharu is not an acceptable husband

I will not ask Kagura how her family is going

–this also applies to Gin

–Actually that's not really a good question to ask anyone

No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

-This goes double for superglue.

Bungee jumping off the terminal is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere

I will not insist to Kagura that being a yato is _cheating_

–even though it totally is

I will not tell the kids in the street that if they annoy me I will feed them to Sadaharu

– Nor will I proceed to do so

–They always tell their parents

–Gin is sick of having to run from hordes of angry mothers

If I am ever blamed for something I am not allowed to yell "SHINPACHI DID IT" and run

–Shinpachi doesn't like running from hordes of angry mothers either

Telling Gin that if he keeps eating sugar his balls will explode is cruel and unusual

–Also it means I have to sleep outside

I will not let Gin go gambling and then wonder where the rent money went

I will not wake people up by repeatedly hitting them in the head with a bag of trash

–or a bag of any other substance

–generally hitting people is wrong

I will not go into hysterics and rush Shinpachi's glasses to hospital if there is a crack in them

-When the doctors say there is nothing they can do I will not start mourning him

I will not make fun of Otsuu in front of Shinpachi

I will not dare Kagura to eat a bug

–even if she does always do it

Customers are not to be fed to Sadaharu

I will not tell Kagura to use her brain

I will not tell Gin to his brain

I will not tell Gin to use Kagura's brain

Synchronised panicking is not a plan

I will not abduct a random kid and try to convince Gin that it is his son

–even though he always believes me

I cannot make the sock puppets take responsibility for my actions

I will not continually point out plot holes

–Like when during the Yoshiwara arc Shinpachi held back Kagura in full-crazy-yato mode

- (Seriously, WTF?)

Justaways are not filled with yummy candy, and it was wrong to tell children that they are

–even if they deserved it

–Nor can I say this to Kagura

–or Gin

I am not funny… no matter how much I make myself laugh

No matter how sick I get of Gin whining about his hair, I am not allowed to shave it off

I am not a ninja and I will stop acting as though I am

–nor am I a samurai

–Or an amanto

Nor am I a super- ninja-samurai-amanto, though it would be freaking awesome if I was

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**A few rules:**

** If you liked this chapter or any of the chapters before it- Reveiw and clap**

** If you didn't like this chapter or any of the ones before it- Review anyway**

**Looking at this chapter and the ones before it, they don't seem particularly funny. Though I admit it has given me an idea for a fan fic with an OC that no one can stand. Anyway, next chapter, the Kihetai.**


	4. Things I will not do in the Kihetai

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama

Here's chapter four..

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**Things I will not do in the Kihetai**

Takasugi does not need a hug

–And trying to give him one will get me killed

I will not giggle loudly in Takasugi's presence

I will not make all my decisions with a magic eight ball

Bansai is an assassin and does not want to play ponies with me

–Neither does anyone else

When attempting to destroy Edo I will not bring a bowl of popcorn, and I _definitely _won't cheer for the enemy

I will not ask Takechi what the hell is wrong with him

–Just don't go there

No matter how much other members annoy me I am not allowed to throw them out the spaceships airlock

I will not play the _"I've got your nose game"_ with Takasugi

–HE WILL GET IT BACK.

The Kihetai does not need or want a kitten as a mascot

–even if it's cute

Even if I think I'm being nice, it is insensitive to draw an eye on Takasugi's eye patch

Honesty; not always the best policy

I will not ask Bansai how he manages to wear sunglasses and head phones at the same time

I am never, EVER, allowed to talk about Gin in front of Takasugi

I will not tell Matako that I can see something on her crotch, she will cry, or shoot me, or both

I will not call Takasugi Cyclops

–As it turns out, making fun of terrorists isn't the best idea

I will not super-glue Bansais' glasses to his face

I am not an interior designer and the Kihetai ship does not need renovating

–even if I could do wonders with the colour scheme

Though Takasugi's goal is to destroy the world, it is not "To destroy the world with an army of flying monkeys

I will not try and train monkeys, flying or otherwise

-I will not try and get someone else to train them for me

I will not follow Bansai around in awe

–No matter how much I love his hair

I do not have the credentials needed to diagnose Takasugi with lung cancer

I will not dance naked in front of Takasugi

I will not dance naked in front of Bansai

–Generally dancing naked is wrong

I am not young enough to get away with drawing on the walls

I am not the Supreme Empress of the Night (yet) and I must stop trying to make people call me that

–I can always kill them when I become Empress

I will not make sock-puppets of the members in the Kihetai and perform plays with them

I will not tell Takasugi that every time he talks about his 'black beast' I will punch him in the face

–Nor will I proceed to do so

Everyone already knows that there is something _very _wrong with Takachi and they don't need me to tell them

I will not try and drown people in kittens

I will not suggest that Takasugi take therapy

Pizza Hut does not deliver to outer-space

–and it is useless calling them to complain that my Hawaiian pizza with extra cheese hasn't arrived yet

I will not annoy Takasugi on pain of death

–Actually, pretty much everything with Takasugi is on pain of death

There is not an initiation for new Kihetai members and it does not involve being my slave or seeing who survives stealing Bansai's head phones

I will not make it so Bansai's head phones play only the Spice Girls

–He _will_ know it was me and he _will_ kill me

I must learn the signs that mean I must shut-up, stop annoying people, and… slowly… back… away…

Examples of these signs:

When takasugi starts talking about 'destroying this rotten world' or the 'black beast'

When Matako stops screeching, and puts away her guns

When Bansai takes off his sunglasses or his head phones

When this happens it means that I must stop being myself because _shit just got serious_

–I don't need a warning sign for Takechi, because he is a creep and I avoid him regardless

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Hope you enjoyed chapter 4 guys. I'm thinking of doing another chapter, not totally sure what to do for it yet. Maybe something like 'things I will not do at christmas'. If you can think of a good topic for me to write about feel free to put it in a reveiw, I'm really starting to run low on ideas.


	5. Things I will not do at Festivals

Gintama is the property of Sorachi Sensei

Hey everyone, sorry it's taken so long updating. I have really been running out of ideas that are actually funny. Things I will not do at festivals was suggested by The shadow flower ninja, thanks for the idea, and also thanks to everyone else who reveiwed, reading them make me so happy. Also, because I've been struggling to come up with new ideas, I don't think this chapter is as good as my other ones. Oh well, I hope you still enjoy it.

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**Things I will not do at festivals**

**Christmas:**

I will not decorate Christmas trees with justaways

Takasugi does not want to sing Christmas carols with me

I will not demand presents from Umibozu

I will treat Madao like an actual human being during the holidays

For my own safety I must remember that gravity does not take a break during the holidays

–this means no sky-diving off the terminal

Okita was lying when he told me that setting things on fire was a Christmas tradition

I will not wear glasses and tell Shinpachi that I'm wearing a figurine of him on my nose

Even it is Okita's Christmas wish that Hijikata die in a freak accident I will not construct such an accident involving a boulder balanced on a roof and a bottle of mayonnaise on top of a pressure pad

–or any other freak accident for that matter

Gin's hair is not my personal pet

– And he does not appreciate me putting dog treats in his hair

– He gets bitten enough by Sadahura as it is

Santa does not take hitchhikers

I will not give Shinpachi glasses cleaner for Christmas

–Gin and Kagura get that for him too

There was a reason Santa didn't give me any presents

Telling Kagura that Santa doesn't exist is mean and potentially fatal

Because of incidents last Christmas, I am no longer welcome in several galaxies

–Or within ten feet of the shogun or any member of his family

–I should probably stay away from the shinsengumi too

**Valentines' day**

I will not give Yamazaki chocolate on Valentine's day just to confuse people

–Even if it totally works

**Birthdays **

No, Kamui does not want the pink fluffy bunny slippers I bought him for his birthday

-Neither does Abuto

–Even though I bought them matching pairs

Technically birthday's don't exist here

-Kubei's was really just a one off

I will stop insisting to people that it is my birthday

–they all know none of us are getting any older

–I will stop complaining that this means I will never be allowed to drive

**Parties**

I will not have girly sleepovers on the Harusame ship

–Kamui isn't going to want to join in and I must stop asking him

I will not enter people in dance competitions without asking them first

–Even if they would be a great dancer

I do not have the authority to declare it a 'Hug a terrorist day' at the shinsengumi barracks

–Nor can I declare it a 'Hug a shinsengumi member day' at the Joui base

– I think we all know that doesn't go down well

I will not dye Okita's hair pink during a game of truth or dare

– It might not come out

– and then he'll be forced to shave his head

– and then I will not be able to leave my apartment for fear of angry fan-girls

– and then the show will get cancelled because the bishounen is bald

–and then I will feel guilty for the rest of my life

I am not allowed to touch things that are valuable

–or breakable

– Or I don't know the function of

– or aren't mine

– I am not allowed to touch things period

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This is going to be my last chapter. Oh, and for anyone that might not know yet, the Gintama anime is returning October 4th! YAY. When I found out I think I might have cracked a window I squeeled so high. aaand... there is also another movie coming out in 2013 XD Can not wait!

Anyway please review, I've loved reading the ones i've already gotten. Also I'm really interested in finding out which chapter was people's favourite. Who knows, I might write a fic about the chapter people liked the most.

Seeya

~ Qweezle


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